Saturday, October 11, 2008


That's what I am. What I've always been. And then as soon as I said that (in my head/out my fingers with the typing) I figured I'd better look up "antsy" to make sure I wasn't a total dork who labeled herself incorrectly. I may be a geek, but I try to avoid "dork." Jury's still out on that.

So, antsy. Def. 1: "unable to sit or stand still." Totally true. I just spent one of my precious hours driving around. Sure, I was thinking and thinking and thinking, but I was still on the move. Always moving. It's why I don't sleep well. It's why I always sit in the back, never in front of people if I can help it. I'm also kind of shifty-eyed. If I met myself in a dark alley, I'd be afraid of me. If I'm not paying attention and trying not to, it always looks like I'm scowling. Def. 2. "apprehensive or uneasy" I am inherently uneasy. Distrustful. Not fearful, though. Discerning. Or perceptive. I'll buy that. I don't know if it's just my nature, or my time in California, or the nature of academia. Probably a little bit of everything.

I thought for a moment that great philosopher (Yoda) could easily have said this about me: "Always looking to the future you are...never looking at where you are...what you are doing." But that's not really true. I'm looking at all three at once, and managing myself and others, and I'm very tired. But I'm happy enough. Just sometimes I wish I could legitimately need to be supported instead of being the supporter or the manager or the problem solver. Instead I just get antsy. I drive around, figure my own shit out. Return to help others. Continue. I have everything planned, and nothing. It's tiring.